How do you manage an impossible decision? How do you sort between two options you know will leave you unsatisfied or heartbroken? How do you find the strength to unseat plans made and throw your life back into neutral?
I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.
It all felt so sure: the move to Garrison, NY; the beautiful house we would live in (one of four, each of them with a special something); the life lived surrounded by trees; a place to put our things; a school where my son could thrive.
And yet, I find myself in that forever feeling of Stuck. Trapped. Immobile. The pressure of outside circumstance continues to shoulder its way into my life, complicating my decisions, clouding my dreams.
I am bereft. I know that it’s likely my fantasy of the new life would never have been matched by mere reality, but sometimes just the adrenalin of change can redraw the colors of daily life in fresher, brighter tones. And I am so, so tired of so many things feeling so hard.
I have to remind myself it’s not ALL hard. That I can’t give in to the bruised part and let it turn everything black. I have worked too diligently to dig myself out of confusion and chaos to so flippantly toss myself backward, into the gloom.
My faith is wavering, a support is giving way, and though I want to crawl under the covers, I must keep my eyes open and keep learning, until my decision is made.
I have accepted that life is constant change. I have accepted this truth in ways both grand and small. But still, I permit myself to weep for the part of me that feels like I will never be safe again, even if that safe was an illusion.