The Force Is With Me

Nowhere: SLM at SFO 11:07pm April 27.

I am in an airport.

It is late and the stores are closed.

I am tired, so tired. And I have two hours to go before my red-eye takes off.

I have a bit of a sore throat, and am exhausted all through my back and shoulders. I just finished four really intense, but so-satisfying, bordering-on-joyful days at work.

New new responsibilities and new teams, new ideas, so much energy and enthusiasm for all we are envisioning, and now the freedom to race ahead and build it together.

I am so tired, but this is my favorite, favorite feeling in the world: seeing what wasn’t there before, explaining it to others, feeling them capture the potential and bring to it their own touch and taste, being the agent of release for talent, and being seen for the grounded, creative, enthusiastic, encouraging person I know I am…..

I read the post I wrote here just before this one, and, again, I am forced to marvel at how very hard it is to stay open to what’s coming, even when you don’t know it’s there.

No, I am not moving to Garrison. No, I am not leaving my overcrowded apartment. Yes, I am back in fulltime swing of a more-than-fulltime job, no more working at home for me. My son is doing well, even though he has troubles. My boyfriend and I are letting go of our big plans and are instead living in what we have for the moment. And it all feels really good, right now. And right now is all we have, all we have, all we have.

I will never stop wanting to draw a perfect circle of stasis around myself, even though I know those few minutes or days of thinking I know what I’m doing—and the sense of calm, orderly destiny it brings—is a cardboard cutout, instead of the glimmering, shifting hologram life really is.

But I try to think of it this way: When I grab life with my two hands, the hologram disappears and I am left holding nothing, bereft. When I let life move around me and flow through me, I have moments of brilliance and joy and rightness.

Even when I am sick.

In an airport.

Waiting for a red-eye.

And still, here, in a late-night airport, surrounded by so much antiseptic white and empty, I feel full, full, full.

About stacy

I am a writer, author, mother, former magazine editor (last at Redbook), optimist, and, above all, a searcher. I'm still searching for whom I'm really meant to be, after a series of very jarring losses: a divorce and house disaster that led to a book (Falling Apart In One Piece); a week after the book came out, my parents suddenly fell gravely ill, I resigned from my job (and, apparently, my career), my son went into crisis, my parents then rapidly died four weeks apart, and my boyfriend (who had moved in with me and my son just weeks before the book came out) began the painful journey of realizing we couldn't make our relationship work (that story unfolded on this blog). Since then I've been trying to figure out what's next. Or, in other words, how to fill in the blanks.
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6 Responses to The Force Is With Me

  1. RidgewoodMom says:

    I love that feeling! Hope you had a safe flight!

  2. Ah, Stacy. I’ve been wondering what you’ve been up to, too full of the busy to communicate much. Thanks for the update from your brainspace. I miss you, my busy busy friend, as I twirl in my own busy-ness of LTYM-NYC only a week away and all those last minute producing things to do.

    Can I be selfishly glad you are not moving quite yet, as it increases the chance of our grabbing the occasional odd lunch or dinners in between all the motion.

    I wish you smooth travels. And sleep.

  3. Lindsey says:

    Oh, gosh, as usual, Stacy, I’m nodding with eyes full of tears and a feeling of intense identification. That impulse and desperate desire for statis, that growing certainty that life is a shifting hologram … all of it. xoxo

  4. The “juice” from that sort of excitement and engagement is palpable.

    That’s good juice, Stacy. And it’s contagious. Tiring to live it, but also – as you say – so full.

  5. teamgloria says:

    ah, dearest Stacy

    good to read your news.

    will be even better to drink tea with you soon 🙂

    feeling full. when full of creativity and joy and freedom and exhaustion (the good kind) and hope (the best kind).

    yes.

    *waving_from_soho*

    _t g xx

  6. Jess says:

    Nice. Love this. *waving_from_smalltown_Atlanta*

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