“I Am Good.”
I made that my mantra for my return to a meditation practice, and I have to say, it’s been perfect. And I don’t say that word lightly, ever!
I am good. I mean good. The world is good. It’s all good. I’m good. You’re good. He’s good. It’s all meant for good. For good. The good. It’s good. I am good.
Of course, at that point in meditation the word “good” ceases to have any meaning, and the mind is just on its endless loop of letting go and letting in. But even to see words stripped of the inherent judgments we attach to them has been instructional—a potent reminder that the conversations I’m having with myself in the front of my brain are one hundred percent created by the ego and its needs. Meditation reminds me there is a whole other, larger portion of my brain that is interested in non-verbal communication and non-judgment. Oh, hello there, you! Nice to see you again! I thought you, and the sense and evenness you bring to me, were gone forever!
I am good, even when I am “bad,” when I feel bad, when I do badly. The good is the stasis, the center point.
I am once again comforted by my unimportance in the larger scheme of things. In the grand scheme of things, I am definitely good: I love, I live, I create and encourage compassion, I dare, I have passion, and I fail at doing those things no more and no less than my compatriots. I am good.
It’s amazing how just a few moments of carefully focused non-attention in the morning can let all that come pouring back in. We spend so much time making this journey of life complicated (all the reasons why we can and can’t do the things we want to do, have the things we want to have, the internal stories we write to explain our pain and put it elsewhere) and yet, so much of life is so simple—if only we can allow ourselves to be empty, for just a moment, to really feel it, and let it be so.
I won’t expect that my entire life will be completely transformed by my rediscovering this necessary practice. But keeping this gentle little feeling of “I am good” with me at all times is one hell of a consolation prize.
In my practice tradition, there is something called “basic goodness.” It’s sometimes also called Buddhanature, but essentially it means the inherent, natural, fundamental, and unconditional qualities of wakefulness, openness, compassion, and wisdom that we all have, that exist in the world and every experience, every moment. It is said that the primary way to reconnect with this is through meditation, on the cushion or off–focused attention, connecting with the present moment, what’s really going on. As Westerners, and as women, we have to work so hard to get back to a state of faith in this goodness, because our culture promotes basic badness as the natural state of things, fosters our sense of scarcity and unworthiness. One thing I will add to what you’ve already so gently and clearly said here, besides the “Yes!” already mentioned, is that your practice, you attention to goodness has an impact beyond your own experience, which makes it an even more important practice. For starters, from your practice, and your sharing it here, my own sense of goodness is strengthened. You are good, I am good, it is good.
Jill: Exactly. Love you!
What is it – 21 days to change a habit or establish a new one? (Something like that.)
Focused non-attention. (That sounds lovely to me.)
I loved reading this journey from frustration to clarity. I go through it probably every two weeks and then back again, which is also okay! And normal! The one thing I’ve learned since my rough patch in 2008/2009 was it’s really important to practice self-care. Really, really, really, really important. So glad to hear you feeling better.
Really really really really really really important. I’m not sure how I lost it so hard this year, but I just did. Self-care is self-love, and it can’t be left to those days when we have “enough” energy or time or will to do it.