Such Sweetness, This Life

Oh, how things are crazy right now. I’m in the deepest hell of the launch, when everything is upside-down and nothing is moving fast enough and we don’t have systems and processes and I haven’t hired all my hires and my boss is wondering if I know what I’m doing and I’m not sleeping through the night and I have to just keep saying to myself over and over and over: “You’re in it for the long game. You’re in it for the long game.”

Just keep going. Just keep going. Just keep going.

This, apparently, is my life skill. To just keep going. To be the ox with the world strapped on her back, completely oblivious to what it is costing her to keep going. All I see is the goal, the vision, the reward.

I’m doing pretty well, have created different coping devices than wine and crackers to get through the stress. I still need more and better habits, but I don’t feel the self-loathing loading onto me as I have in launches past. I think: “I’m doing the best I can.” “It won’t be like this forever.” “You have to take care of yourself. You’re older now.”

And so I go to bed early, make plans with different people I am casually dating on the nights I take for myself after working late, bring real food into work on Mondays to supply a week’s worth of healthy lunches. And it helps. All these things help. I’m not drowning.

But it’s hard. Twenty hours of commuting a week is hard. Not having any time to go running is hard. Missing my meditation practice (oh the irony) is hard.

But today, a friend I’ve known since what seems like the beginning of time posts this on Facebook, after he asked what I was up to right now:

I am so proud of you, and all of the beauty you have brought to life through your work.

What? Did someone really just say that to me? And mean it?

Wow. Someone did. (Thank you, Steven. You have always been the biggest heart in the room since we were all 8 years old.)

And I’m going to take it at face value and be so fucking grateful that this is how some people see the madness I put myself (and my family) through. With my work, I want to reach us all, all of us (including and especially me), and say:

You are just fine. You are. Listen closely to the small voice in your head, the one you sometimes ignore. That voice is the one that tells you the truth about who you are. Listen. Listen, closely. And know that that is your intuition leading you to where you are supposed to be.

It’s hard right now, where I am. But I’m hoping it’s where I’m supposed to be.

About stacy

I am a writer, author, mother, former magazine editor (last at Redbook), optimist, and, above all, a searcher. I'm still searching for whom I'm really meant to be, after a series of very jarring losses: a divorce and house disaster that led to a book (Falling Apart In One Piece); a week after the book came out, my parents suddenly fell gravely ill, I resigned from my job (and, apparently, my career), my son went into crisis, my parents then rapidly died four weeks apart, and my boyfriend (who had moved in with me and my son just weeks before the book came out) began the painful journey of realizing we couldn't make our relationship work (that story unfolded on this blog). Since then I've been trying to figure out what's next. Or, in other words, how to fill in the blanks.
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7 Responses to Such Sweetness, This Life

  1. Lindsey says:

    Oh, Stacy. Every fiber of my being needed to read this today. Thank you, thank you. xox

  2. alexandra says:

    It’s something we don’t do… maybe we’re not able to. But to see our lives from out of ourselves. As your friend has told you, because he has the perspective. But he’s right. You have brought incredible moments to my life. You have.

    So much love to you, Stacy. I believe you are where your are right now because your heart led you there.

  3. Rita Arens says:

    I am right there with you. Really needed this today.

  4. Mary Edwards says:

    Stacy, for the little over a week experience in India I had getting to know you I was amazed with your optimistic attitude and your friendliness. I learned from you how to view the world around me with new eyes. Keep it up.

    • stacy says:

      Mary, what a generous thing to say. Means the world to me. A beautiful Buddhist tenet is to be always the beginner, to see every day fresh and new. I am so happy to know that I have been able to absorb some of that beautiful idea that you could see it in me. xo

  5. Rita says:

    Oh, Stacy. It was so good to see you in my inbox again. Especially on such a day as this. This world needs all the beauty it can get. Please remember to keep putting on your own oxygen mask first.

  6. D. A. Wolf says:

    You always reach right in and touch something vital with your words. Thank you for that gift to all of us.

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